Complete Yourself First
In the movie Jerry Maguire, there is a scene in an elevator where two deaf people are communicating with one another while Jerry and his burgeoning love interest stand witness.
The deaf woman signs to the deaf man, and Jerry wonders what was said. As it happens, the woman he is with can read sign language and translates: “She just said, you complete me.“
Of all the quotes in the history of cinema, this one frustrates me the most. Because it is a fallacy. If you are in a relationship and your role is to complete someone else, then you’re doing a job they should’ve done themselves. You should arrive in a relationship as a complete person, aware of who you are, what has needed fixing or adjusting based on your shortcomings, and ready to stand strong as the individual you are. Likewise, your partner should have achieved that same goal. You do not complete another person. You complement one another.
One of the big issues that people have is carrying baggage from relationship to relationship, never addressing what it is about themselves that causes this baggage to remain so heavy. We blame our partner for the breakup and then seek someone who, in all likelihood, will be similar to the person we just dated. But there is no better way to spend time outside of a relationship than to look at yourself, the most important relationship of all, and see what it is that may be sabotaging a lasting partnership for you.
Sometimes this means getting therapy and exploring your past and present. It certainly involves lots of introspection so that you can learn to love and accept yourself for exactly who you are.
Did your parents fight a lot and you seem to be getting into relationships that are contentious and have a similar dynamic? Are there things you didn’t get as a child that you are now trying to find in a relationship? If you are bringing demands to the table and expecting, subconsciously, your partner to fulfill them, there is a chance that your relationship may be stormy and potentially not work out for you in the long run.
This is not an absolute, of course; but the more you work on who you are, the more deliberate your choice will be, and the more likely you are to have a relationship that's stable, mutually gratifying, and most importantly, complementary.