In Sickness Until Death
Like I always enjoyed, I ate a solo dinner at a nearby tapas restaurant. Being in a good mood, I ordered a second glass of wine. Unusual, but why not?
In the night, I gained consciousness from a strong urge to vomit. My stomach was very agitated. I felt feverish. Not fully awake, I rushed into the bathroom in the dark. True to my bodily feeling, I caught the outpouring of food just in time into the sink. I blacked out. I felt my body in the tub. I struggled to get up. I blacked out again. The next waking moment, I was in the kitchen standing, but my legs were weak. I needed to lie down. What if I need to vomit again? I struggled to take the first thing I could get - a wok - with me back to bed.
In the morning, I woke up. The wok was on the pillow next to me. My head seemed to have cooled. The bathroom sink was filled with half-digested food pieces, unrecognized scallops, tuna, and bread. I flushed them down the pipe. The faucet in the tub was turned sideways. Did I fall in and hit that? I remembered getting out of the tube somehow but not the falling.
I walked to the kitchen to get my morning coffee. I use the dishwasher as a drying rack and always leave it open overnight. The bottom rack was halfway out of its usual place. The dishes and glasses in the top rack were a mess. Did I fall on the dishwasher racks? I didn’t remember that.
I discovered bruises on my upper right arm, at the bottom of my chin, and left leg. I was glad that I didn’t hit my head. I must have blacked out twice or more last night. I didn’t know why I didn’t just wake up from sleeping. This had never happened before.
At this moment, the feeling of being alone was especially crystal clear, a contrast to most the other times when I was physically but not mentally alone.
There were other poignant moments in life that I faced alone: when my pregnancy test returned negative while trying to have a child as a single, when my two cats, Bilbo and Frodo, were fighting and hurting each other, and when I first experienced schizophrenia.
Every single must have thought of dying alone at home and wondered, would anyone notice that I died and disappeared from planet earth? Who would discover my body first, and how long would it take?
Of course, there were exciting, happy, and celebratory moments too. But sickness, disappointment, or troubles made me feel vulnerable when help could probably be much appreciated.
At moments like this, I didn’t feel scared or lonely or worried but rather the reaffirmation that I was on my own and needed to be independent and strong. As a single, I must face some critical moments in life alone. Almost five decades into life, I am at peace with this reality. Being an introvert makes this easier too.
However, with age and being a woman, I also knew to reach out after a night like this. I usually have a weekly coffee date with a close girlfriend in the neighborhood. I told her about what had happened. She didn’t blink an eye. Yes, that has happened to us too. After drinking, when dehydrated. Really?! I wasn’t alone both in life and in blacking out.
My friends are generous and caring. They show me love and affection. It’s okay to be dependent on someone sometimes. I have gotten a lot better at asking for help and leaning on others who I trust. Many close friends in the area, with some I meet regularly, would know if I died or become very sick. So would friends from work.
As a single, it’s essential to open up and reach out from time to time after having an alone moment to balance one’s emotional state. Having a boyfriend or a husband is not the only way to connect meaningfully with this beautiful world though every person inevitably has to face life alone sometimes.