Interview: Scott Lainer, founder of Singles Day
On a beautiful spring day, I chatted with Scott Lainer who told me about Singles Day (https://www.singlesday.com) when we first met. More on that later. Scott is currently married to a good friend of mine. He has a son. He is in his 50s.
Mindy: Tell me a little about you as a person, and what growing up was like for you.
Scott: I enjoyed my earliest years, but then I became fat as an adolescent, which really had an impact on my long-term mindset. Even though I looked good in my twenties and dated a lot, I was still very insecure. The fat kid always stayed in my psyche. I discovered more about myself in college, became politically aware, and later spoke at graduation. But I still felt very incomplete as a person, like I didn't know myself or didn't care to make the effort.
When I got into the real world, I didn’t have a solid footing, didn’t plan and so I made many mistakes. Every time I had a choice, like for a better career, I would walk away when it started to become reality. What I should have done was suck it up, stick to something and just do it.
I realized late in my life that I had ADHD, which affected how I talked and handled relationships and school. I was very addicted to TV, and I didn’t actualize my potential. In those days, they didn't have a name for the condition, except hyperactive. So I just fought through but didn't adjust or evolve.
Mindy: How was your single life before you were married?
Scott: I was always dating the wrong people. I should have looked more carefully at who I was first, and what from my past I might have needed to fix. I think I was a crappy boyfriend in many regards, selfish. And oddly enough, all my romantic relationships turned into friendships.
A very wise therapist pointed this out to me, which was eye-opening. He said: "Your goal is to marry but you are turning everyone into friends. You're sabotaging your own goal."
That's when I started dating more deliberately. I became more self-aware of what I was looking for. I realized that I dated a lot of people with broken relationships themselves.
I learned of an author named, Bridges, of all things, who said that it’s not change that people have a problem with, because we usually find a new and similar relationship eventually. It's facing our own flaws and transitioning, growing from our mistakes so we choose more wisely next time. We shouldn’t blame the other person. After all, we chose them as partners. It’s our responsibility to figure out who we are first.
Mindy: What is Singles Day?
Scott: It was 2004, and I was single. I thought it wasn’t fair that only couples should get a holiday. There should be day for the independent and unattached.
I chose 10/01, right between the end of summer and the beginning of the holiday season. In 2011, a Singles Day emerged in China. It was heavily endorsed by Alibaba, which monetized the holiday. It’s now the biggest shopping day on earth, five times bigger than Black Friday and Cyber Monday, combined. But it didn’t take off in America because 11/11 is our Veterans Day.
And now, singles outnumber married people in America, so they deserve a day to celebrate.
Mindy: You are always thinking about celebrating and helping singles. We have worked on a dating app idea together. Remember?
Scott: Yes, Tree Degrees. The idea was to date through friends, as far out as three degrees. So dating friends of friends of friends, instead of going out with strangers. Now there are dating apps out there with similar concepts. Hinge is the most popular.
Mindy: What's your advice for singles today?
Scott: Plan deliberately. Think about what you want out of life. Do you want a big family? Where do you want to live? Not just a year out. Think about the next five years, the next ten. Once you get there, are you going to be happy?
The same applies to career. When I was in college, I thought I wanted to be a lawyer but decided I didn’t want to defend guilty people. I had a very narrow view of what a lawyer actually did. I just walked away from the whole vocation. Just flew by the seat of my pants. If I could do it again, I think I would have become a psychologist. But now I'm passed the chance.
So think about what matters to you. When you are young, all options are available. Explore everything. As you age, you may have fewer options.
Mindy: How has your life changed being single vs. married?
Scott: When I was dating, I was doing the same thing over and over again. After I met my wife, I could move on with the rest of myself. I could stop looking for the right relationship, which took up the bulk of my energy. Now I’m in it for the marriage. Dating, flirting, all that went away. When I go to a social event, I don’t care about who is single in the room. I can have regular friendships with everyone. I have a focus in life.
Mindy: Final words?
Scott: Yes. Start with loving and working on yourself. Realize you, like all of us, are imperfect and always worth the effort.
Mindy: I love that. Thank you.
Enjoyed the piece.