Interview: Dorothy Stover, founder of Nantucket Love School
Happy July 4th weekend, everyone. I have a special guest for you today. When I first met Dorothy Stover (http://www.dorothydstover.com), I was looking for a trusted guide to finding men. I clicked with her right away. Men and dates came and went but we stayed in touch. Her mantra is “Everything I do in life I do for love.”
Mindy: Tell us a little about yourself.
Dorothy: I’m a seven-generation Nantucketer. My mom called me Naughty Dotty. As a child, I had a lot of energy, was outspoken and super strong, and was constantly up to something. I wrote plays, poetry, and music. Super creative.
I haven’t always lived on this island and have lived all over the country. I came back when my mother died four years ago. So grateful to be on the island during the pandemic.
Mindy: “Everything I do in life I do for love.” What inspired that?
Dorothy: I was raped when I was 16. When I graduated high school I started healing from that experience. It was a long process. When I was 26, in a sexual assault group, they brought out this worksheet Victim, Survivor, and Thriver. Those are the three columns in the worksheet. I matched with the Victim and Survivor. But everything under Thriver was what I wanted to be.
I realized that I wasn’t getting there with what I was doing and how I was. Not with hating myself and how I was acting in relationships and life. I had to change and love everything in my life. At that moment, I sat on my sofa, with my cat, and that mantra came out.
Then everything in my life fell apart. My relationship ended. I lost my job. I moved back to the east coast. Everything I didn’t love went away and that created space for things I absolutely love. I was able to travel and wrote a book. That mantra came to me and changed my life.
Mindy: You have many works focusing on love. First, Nantucket Love School. What is it and how is it going?
Dorothy: Many of us don’t know how to love ourselves and each other. I coach people on dating, relationships, and spirituality. I started sharing what I knew, working with individuals, from self-hate to self-love. From the romantic connection. The school includes courses and workshops.
Then the school shifted to spiritual development, pleasure, and sex education. I’ve been studying sex education since I was 27. I’ve always been interested in sex ed. When I was doing my healing work, I digger deeper into it. I wrote a weekly column about it for a while.
I also study how different religions can have that connection with pleasure. As a social norm, we often avoid sex in the context of religion. I grew up Christian. Sex seems to be something that God is not called in. That feels like a disconnect. I feel that I need to combine god and pleasure, and turned into a connection with a partner. Though, one can still have an incredible sex life without a partner. It’s important to still have a personal practice even with a partner.
The school is going well. Monday is the Intuitive Group. Thursday is the Sacred Sexual Woman Circle. The first group of women came together and the eight-week program is about to end. The next group starts end of July.
Sex has been masculine-driven in our society. Typically, it’s goal-oriented: orgasm and get there as soon as you can. For some, it’s great. But the female body needs more time. More preparation. Many people don’t know this because most of us learned from movies and porn. I talked about things you don’t learn in sex ed, pleasure techniques.
My focus is more on self. I’m single. A lot of people who want to work with me are singles. I love to be single. This is not about learning to find a partner. You can be in a relationship not having that connection with yourself and therefore not with your partner.
Mindy: And you have created a place to talk about it too?
Dorothy: Nantucket After Dark is a place to talk about sex. Not dirty talk. The questions I got were just people who want to know more about relationships, sex, and self-love. Couples can have a lot of frustrations as a couple. There are so many different styles of connections. Don’t forget spirituality too.
Mindy: You were recently in the news for Nantucket Top Freedom & Equality!
Dorothy: The seed was planted years ago. A cartoon had a man and woman with the same naked body. “Helen, you are so indecent.” Yet they had the same body.
I was on the beach one day and thought it would be nice not to have my top on right now. But I couldn’t take it off. Why? There were men with bigger breasts than I do. Men and women both have mammary glands and nipples.
I started to research. Men gained their top freedom in 1937 in New York State. For other states even later. Men had experienced the same objections I heard about women now. It’s immoral. No one should see a man's upper body. It’s not family-friendly. Everyone talks about kids. Children know what’s under your shirt. Kids are breastfed. You can explain and educate kids.
When this was first bought up for men, women wanted men to wax before they went topless. Nipples had to be covered. Same objections. But for men, we don’t even think about it now. It’s not a big deal. Once you are used to it, you don’t even see it anymore.
Where there is top freedom and equality, other countries have a lower rate of sexual trauma and less sexualization. This is human rights, not just women’s rights. This is unconstitutional when a man is able to do something that a woman can’t.
The Nantucket Top Freedom & Equality is to allow women to be topless at the beaches. It passed at the town meeting. Now it goes to the state and they have ninety days to make a decision. (I’m just proposing at the beach, even though men run around topless all over the place!)
I didn’t think it would get so much attention. So great.
Mindy: I love meeting another Happy Single.
Dorothy: So many people tell me: “I want to be like you, comfortable, joyful. You are already so happy.” I like to do what I want to do. I have a lot of passion. I want to create in this world. Really be my true self. I love who I am.
I have friendship, family, and guidance from god. I let god to my matchmaker. I was on apps for my clients when I was a professional matchmaker. But I’m glad I’m off those apps now. Sometimes it’s just awful. Apps can be nice after someone goes through a breakup, the person would go on an app and get an ego boost.
Mindy: What advice do you have for singles?
Dorothy: Always enjoy the season you are in. In this season, you are single. Find the precious moments now. Because you may not always be single. Life shifts. Enjoy whatever gem we have now.
To embrace change. I suggest new singles make a list of everything in life that you want to do. Maybe your ex didn’t like eating in bed or traveling. Now eat in bed. Travel.
We can receive love from all different places. Romantic love is a bonus. With that, there are also different types of romantic love. Love different ways. I have a business-type partner who I meet every day. They can support me in the same way that a romantic partner can support me. But I am getting it from a friend.
Don’t forget about sex and self-pleasure practices. You can have a super pleasurable experience and feel fulfilled in that way even if you are single.
Mindy: Final comments.
Dorothy: Appreciate yourself, connect with yourself and other people. Connect with your body.
Mindy: Amazing.
Dorothy: I’m so glad I’m on this earth.
Mindy: Me too. Thank you.