Embrace Independence and Pursue What?
This summer, a topic repeatedly came up from both single and married friends. What do I want to do with myself and my time now? The change came about from various reasons, such as no longer having a boyfriend, getting older as a single woman, children leaving the house for college, work has become less important, etc.
My girlfriends are all capable people who can manage large projects and teams at work. Some juggle work with caring for a house full of parents, husbands, and children while tending to their close friends. My point is these people are planners, organizers, and get-shit-done people.
What can be as important, if not more, as creating a life, giving birth, and raising a child? It’s noble and selfless to be a parent and caregiver. Many would say, nothing.
After my long-term relationship, I have never had the identity of a girlfriend, wife, parent, or caregiver. I have had a lot of time to ask myself what I want to do. There is more than one way through life for a woman.
First, it takes time (years) to figure this out. The obvious answer will hold you off for a week or months. But it takes trial and error to discover and learn about yourself. After excitedly purchasing a bike, I have taken it out twice in one year. The Tour de France is not in my future. I will not reduce my carbon footprint this way. Nor get healthier this way. Tried, checked, moving on.
Second, see what sticks over time. As an engineer and project manager, the desire to write keeps returning to me, even though I have no experience or credentials. It all started with having something to say so I might help others. So, listening to my feelings and gut, I signed up for writing classes, worked with editors, wrote books, and even dared to publish them. I’m still working on writing better, and it makes me happy.
A side note: I’m lucky that I don’t have to make a living writing. On average, I get monthly payments from Amazon for about 10 to 15 dollars each month. It just pays for one breakfast. It might be a good idea to separate money from purpose and passion if you can.
Third, permit yourself to think about yourself. Plenty of articles and books talk about women who are not actively being a wife or mother. Words like selfish come up. I’m glad to say that since not having a boyfriend, I have always had the mental space to just “be.” None of my family or close friends ever gave me a hard time about being single and loving writing. (Though some of them do hope and advise that I hang on to a proper job.) I like perspectives such as taking care of myself as the first step to caring for others. Being a valuable and responsible individual is the first step to being a good global citizen. It’s good to pay attention to ourselves. You have to say yes to it and don’t feel guilty.
Last, think outwards. Instead of focusing on family and the home, there are people outside of one’s home, and one can choose to focus on our communities and global citizenship. Of course, I would imagine that this is obvious to my friends after the permission is given. It’s all about the permission.
The obvious and simple response might be, Oh, figure out what you want to do and get a hobby, travel, read books, or do yoga. I sense that the hard part is not the “doing” part. What’s hard for women is no longer needing to think about and live for others for a big part of their lives and having the space now to focus only on themselves.
I sincerely hope you give yourself permission.