Did Being Single Lead to Schizophrenia?
I recently read the NYTimes Opinion: A 63-Year-Old Runner Changed the Way I Think About Regret, which talks about a woman “fueled by regret.” I don’t regret much in my life, but once in a while, I would wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t have schizophrenia and how I could’ve behaved and reacted differently leading up to my first breakdown, the official mark for becoming a schizophrenic.
For a long time, I believed that I became sick because I was alone. My thoughts led me down the wrong path, and no one was there to correct me. My ex-boyfriend would have set me straight; we spent 24/7 together for six years. If with him, I mightn’t even have those magical thoughts I fabricated alone in the bedroom. That was the beginning of my mental trouble.
It took a while to get unwell and wasn’t instant like a heart attack. More thoughts led to more stress which built and built over time until my brain couldn’t handle it. My brain started talking to itself. Then after hearing a talking voice for some time, I finally had a breakdown.
After reading stories from others with schizophrenia, it was easy to see that not everyone lived alone when they got sick. Even with parents or roommates, people still became ill. Being single was not the problem; mentally isolated was. When everything familiar in my life disappeared, I became socially awkward. I had trouble starting fresh. A break-up, a laid-off, a living situation with strangers in an area I wasn’t comfortable in, writing blogs on the internet and letting anyone read what I was thinking. A perfect storm. It wasn’t just becoming a new single that threw me off. I could have done a million things differently during that time. Everything in my life all changed at once.
As the article says, more importantly, how did or am I channeling my regret? I chased it relentlessly for eight years and worked out what happened. Now I talk about my experience publically, hoping something in there is helpful to someone.
But I don’t have everything figured out. Being creative, such as writing a novel, feels dangerous—a potential trigger. Loving to write, I keep my imagination in check. Besides, I’m mentally stronger and more mature than 18 years ago.
As a single with schizophrenia, I focus on being the healthiest I can be with tricks I learned over the years. I take my medication as instructed. I prioritize sleep and watch out for stress. I surround myself with families and close friends and strive for an excellent work-life balance. My goal is to live the life I want, live better, and be happy and grateful. Being single is no longer a cause to be unwell.
To that stinky regret, I say “never again.”
See my related WebMD Patient Blog: The Biggest Surprise After Being Diagnosed with Schizophrenia.