Can I Reach for More?
We human beings are interesting because we can have contradicting beliefs and behaviors. If you read my post from last weekend, I shared my current state of mind at its maximum contentment. Following that thought, I had to add this: being content is not the same as settling. As one example from my life, with schizophrenia, I’ve been given many signals and permission that I can or perhaps should do less.
I was sitting before a young researcher in a small, unimpressive room in McLean Hospital. I volunteered to be there and spend three hours on her research. I had been there before as a research subject. I played computer games, did memory tests, and completed self-assessments this time. In the end, she interviewed me. When I said that I lived on my own, she sounded surprised. When I said that I owned my apartment, small but all mine, she asked me if anyone had helped me. I smiled and said no. She sounded impressed when I told her that I had always worked full-time. “You are doing so well!” I thanked her. When I met people who knew me first as a schizophrenic, I always did much better than expected. So so much better.
Having schizophrenia, I’m not supposed to do so much in life.
I had my first psychosis at thirty. I was hypersensitive to my surroundings, had confused thoughts, and heard voices talking to me. For six years, I lived in two worlds, reality and what was in my head. I ended up being locked up in a hospital, not knowing how long I had to be there. The care I had in the hospital was what I needed at that time. I finally gained awareness of my schizophrenia. Seeing how well I did after that, a friend commented, “Your schizophrenia is so mild.” It made me doubt my condition, so I asked one of my doctors if there was such a categorization. She said I experienced real and severe symptoms.
Having full-blown schizophrenia, I’m not supposed to be able to manage it completely.
After the research, I felt the same conflicted feelings I had on my way home. With diligent work and unbelievable luck, I’ve been healthy and living independently. But not being sick was not the only goal in my life. I had never stopped there. Like my friends, I wanted to live my life fully; none of them had schizophrenia. To name a few things. I want to eat healthily and lose a few pounds. I work hard so I can hit FIRE. Whatever the goals, I should have the courage to aim for the stars like my friends.
Being a person with schizophrenia, I live an independent single life that is unexpected.
I remembered seeing the eyes of strangers who expected much less from me. As much as the young researcher thought I was “doing really really well,” meanwhile, all my friends have bigger homes than I do. Some are mansions in great neighborhoods. Multiple cars. Raising multiple children. Saving for college and retirement. More senior positions at work. I can go on. I try to balance the different “life rulers” that are doing the measuring. The highs and lows in life are all relative.
My maximum contentment - being where I want to be in life, driven by the inner self - is different from low expectation, complacency, helplessness, or make-do with the minimum. Being at my maximum contentment doesn’t mean I’m putting zero effort into my life now, everything is perfect, or this state of mind isn’t built on years of my past. I think about how to live better every day.
All that is to say, I’m content and reaching for more simultaneously.
Boy, isn’t that a grand contradiction!
Another great article!