A Holiday Single

Photo by Matthew Ball on Unsplash

Every winter, the holiday season comes, and I feel my singleness more acutely than at any other time. It’s not a bad thing, but it does make me think. Over the years, how I spent the holidays can roughly fit into these three modes: hanging out with other singles, couples and families, or myself.

When I was younger, and everyone I knew was not married, we singles had holiday parties and went out late into the night. I welcomed the 2k new year by freezing my butt at Time Square. The security was high, but my friends and I didn’t care. I paid for package deals and screamed “happy new year” with strangers in restaurants. There was always something someone wanted to do.

Then I went through a phase of spending the holidays by myself. I didn’t have a strong preference and didn’t mind this. It was peaceful. I often had a book and a cup of tea in my hands.

Somewhere along, the holidays had a purpose, a time to get together with my aging parents, distant families, and close friends. Most of the “kids” in my family are not married or have children. I sometimes wonder if my parents miss being grandparents like their friends. Or my uncles and aunts want to play with grand-babies. Traditional Taiwanese values pass on one’s family name and bloodline. I am neither a man (where my family name will be my children’s) nor have any kids (where my family blood would live on).

I am pretty lacking in this area. Perhaps, even selfish.

Looking beyond my family and me, though, I’m familiar with the issue of overpopulation in the world, the danger of climate change, and bringing life into this complicated world. Though I can bring up these factors, I’m not that noble and can’t say that these are why I’m childless.

I admit that being single, I miss essential life experiences: being a wife and a mother, for example. I’m also taking something away from my family. My family bloodline will end with me. Fortunately, thinking about this doesn’t depress or sadden me. I live as best as possible, feel good about who I am, and am optimistic about where my life is going. Luckily, I found purpose elsewhere, and my family has never pressured me to get married or have kids. I hope everyone in my life is also at peace with my singleness though that’s not something I can control.

Just a holiday single’s little reflection.