Is it a Contradiction or Just Living the Best Life?
Jane Austen famously wrote: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. What about the single woman with good fortune?
I spent almost a decade in exclusive relationships, another decade being single with no effort in dating, then another six years dating purposefully as a priority in my life. What have I learned about who I am and what I want?
I love romantic comedies, but movies don’t tell the full story.
Meg Ryan. Sandra Bullock. Julia Roberts. Kate Hudson. These stories all have the same storyline. A woman meets a man. They fall in love. They fight. They break up. But magically, they realize they love each other and overcome all the obstacles. The end. I never get tired of them. I buy the idea of love.
These happy dating endings are just the beginning of a long-term relationship journey. Most of my friends are married. I’ve seen how taxing and stressful marriages and raising a family can be while many also have to juggle their careers and personal passions. I have come to appreciate being single, which has its advantages.
As an introvert, I’m the most myself when alone or with close friends for a known timeframe.
My longest relationship with Chris was six some years. We were together every waking and non-working minute. Looking back, I can see that I had eventually disappeared when I was with him. Chris loved life and new adventures and planned everything we did, movies, video games, golf, and traveling to places near and far. I never felt inequality or dominance between Chris and me. In my mind, I was being open, considerate, and accommodating. I went along without any objection or opinion happily. I wasn’t loud, listened, and wasn’t guarded. When with another person, like reading a book, my world disappeared, and I would be completely engrossed in someone else than myself. I didn’t have enough space to discover what I wanted, ask for personal boundaries, or give and take.
I realized that it wasn’t just with boyfriends but also with friends. It was me. My short-term extraverted, friendly and social personality was perfectly sustainable for coffee chats and dinner dates. (I was tagged as a social butterfly when I was younger.) But the longer the time went on, I would stop being at ease.
It might be an exaggeration: my inner voice is like a pin drop in a noisy cafe. If I didn’t pay attention, I would hear everyone else in the cafe but my own.
Luckily, with age, I have learned to embrace my introvert-ness, which has come out a bit more while shedding off more of the butterfly persona. Being an introvert is often at odd with adding another person into my life.
I’ve spent thousands and hours dating.
Because I had never done it purposefully, when I turned 41, I thought about dating men, prioritizing it, and putting in the effort for the first time in my life with the encouragement of my close friends.
I learned to use many dating apps and paid for matchmakers instead round-trip tickets to Europe. I put myself out there for these men I matched with, dressed up, and told them about my personal life. I did my best - with everything that I could control.
With age and wisdom, older singles get a smaller pool of singles to work with while more settled in our ways, more particular about what we want, less about pleasing others, and more protective of our current lives. For some, we also have more baggage and hangups.
I learned how I felt and behaved with single men of all kinds. Nothing went like the movies. I wasn’t perfect at it, nor were the men. I didn’t meet anyone amazingly compatible or with whom we both liked each other enough that we were willing to put in the work and take it further to see where it would go.
I’m happily single and open to meeting men.
"I am very happy living my life as a single!" I said to a girlfriend while we were hiking.
"Why then are you dating?" She asked.
"I am open to meeting someone great!" I didn't skip a beat.
"So is something missing in your life then?" She didn't either.
I read that human has the incredible ability to accept and live with two contradictory ideas at the same time. My contradicting life continues with being happily single and open to date.
I’m certain I’m not missing a man in my life because I hadn’t gone look for it in twenty years. I don’t have the tendency and habit of building a life with a man. I’ve lived independently with friends and family for most of my life. I’ve enjoyed my freedom and autonomy.
After years of intense dating efforts, I have stopped using most dating apps and matchmakers. Dating I plan myself is not a priority right now. (Instead, I planned two international trips this year!) I’ll leave romantic love to mother nature to orchestrate.
A man I dated recently kissed my foot and held my hand in bed while we slept. He was genuine and kind during our short time together. I’ll admit, those brief moments felt nice, but he was otherwise unavailable. Because of these moments, ten waking minutes tops, I’m slightly intrigued by this tough order of someday meeting a good man who hears pin drops in a noisy coffee shop when I least expect it.
My friend, I believe a healthy dose of optimism and wishfulness but not an expectation or requirement is part of living a happy single life and good for me.